“Dog gone it! I wish they hadn’t found her till after the baseball season.{9}{8}”

“Aw, that’s easy. I can do lots harder ones than that.{11}{10}”

“Sunday Clothes{13}{12}”

“Dog gone the luck, anyway.{15}{14}”

The Last Day of School

Up-to-Date Architecture

The Enterprising Daily Paper

The Stock Yards

The Board of Trade

The Pirate Chieftain—“We’re Surrounded by perils. Behind Us is a Herd of Wild Buffaloes, on One Side Is an Unfriendly Shore Swarming with Hostile Natives, and in Front of Us Are Breakers and Deadly Reptiles.{41}{40}”

“See, I ain’t afraid.{43}{42}”

The Blowing-up of Penelope

“For the land’s sake, child, where do you put all the stuff you eat? This is the fourth piece you’ve had since breakfast.{47}{46}”

“Come and look at your new sister, Johnny.{49}{48}”

“I wonder if she likes him better than she does me.{51}{50}”

“The Voice of the Tempter{53}{52}”

“Suddently Attackted” by Serious Illness on the First Morning of School

“’Cept Spring and Summer, I like Fall the best of all.{73}{72}”

“Recess{75}{74}”

“Little Brother visits the School{77}{76}”

“Poor little fellow, I’m afraid he’s a pretty sick little dog.{79}{78}”

The Burial of Kafoozalum

“Go ahead, Bill, you’re braver than I am. We’ll just pertend we’re pirates and the crulls is a ship filled with gold and joolry.{83}{82}”

Three Days before Thanksgiving—“I believe I’ll just pertend it’s Thanksgiving already.{85}{84}”

A Little Exhibition of Democratic Simplicity at a New York Luncheon

Ten Minutes in St. Louis

Puzzle—“Whom are they expecting?{91}{90}”

A Costume Event at the Auditorium, illustrating Life in the Wild West

Milwaukee

Niagara Falls

Boston

Boston

An Afternoon Tea in New York

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I thank you for a very Pleasant Visit{105}{104}”

“Ah! Welcome to Princeton, Mr. Roosevelt.”

“Would you like to look at my photograph albums?”

“That one weighed eight pounds, Theodore.{111}{110}”

“Now, you jest be patient, Mr. President, and ye’ll soon have a nice mess o’ bar.”

(Four hours later.) “I wonder where the bears are to-day. This is unbearable.”

(Eight hours later.) “Strange there wa’n’t none o’ them bar around. Reckon you all wa’n’t patient enough, Mr. President.{113}{112}”

The Poet Candidate Gives an Author’s Reading before Literary Circles in the Lodging-House District

Courier from the Front—“They’ve routed the ‘Old Guard,’ General!{117}{116}”

“Ah, gents, permit us to show you our beautiful city.”

“Now, gents, step right up and try to pick out the little joker.”

“Great Scott, Shorty, who wass them guys, anyway?{119}{118}”

“Look, Ma! See how much wood we carried in, and you didn’t haf to ask us to, either. And we watered the plants, too.{123}{122}”

A Letter to Santy

“Well, how lovely for you to come over to visit your Aunt Mary! And you’re just in time for dinner, too. Isn’t that nice? Did you tell your mother that you were going visiting?{127}{126}”

“Come on! Hurry up, fellers! The hounds have found the trail!{129}{128}”

The Fairy Story—“Once upon a time there was a very beautiful little fairy princess—{131}{130}”

“I bet yer glad to be out again, haint you, Johnny?{133}{132}”

President Roosevelt—“We must regulate the bad trusts, and—

“Perhaps revise the tariff on articles that are sold cheaper abroad than at home.{141}{140}”

“Sh! Do not speak, or else you’ll wake the tariff.”

And just then Speaker Henderson came along.

Shortly after luncheon the enemy’s fleet was sighted stealthily approaching by sea.

Whereupon a terrific battle occurred which lasted two hours; and the fleet, being sunk, annihilated, and blown to atoms (constructively),

Departed, leaving the army victorious, with but two constructive casualties.

Every battery at the fort was worked with terrific effect.

“The enemy’s fleet has been sighted off the starboard quarter, sir.”

“Call all hands to quarters! Clear ship for action!”

“This reminds me of Santiago.”

“The Duchess of Marlborough is alongside in her dinghy, sir.”

“Pass the word to cease firing, and have Her Grace come aboard.”

“Ah, delighted, Your Grace. I hope this noise hasn’t annoyed you.{153}{152}”

“Don’t cry, Grandma. You’ll see him again sometime.{155}{154}”

“Helping Mother{159}{158}”

“Ah, I see quite a number of new faces here to-day.{161}{160}”

Mr. Manshopper—“I’ve discovered the great secret of Christmas present buying. First decide positively what you want to buy, then decide on the price you want to pay, and then go and buy it.”

“I think I like that bowl better than the vase or the inkstand.”

Chorus of Admiring Feminine Voices—“Oh, isn’t that a perfectly lovely pitcher! Oh, isn’t it too lovely for anything!”

Mr. Manshopper after having purchased a present for his wife’s writing desk.

“I tell you, it’s a relief to get home after a long, hard day of work and worry at the office.”

“Oh, William, I’ve had such a dreadful day to-day! First it was one thing and then another. I just know the grocer overcharged me on that yeast I bought yesterday; and the baby cried nearly an hour this afternoon, and the bread burned, and the dog chewed up one of your slippers, and the roof leaks, and the hall carpet is wearing out.”

“And you must punish Willie. I can’t do a thing with him any more. He insists on being a pirate when he grows up, and he knows well enough that we want him to be a doctor. And we really must have a new hall carpet, and you must see about the roof, and be sure to see the grocer about the yeast.”

“Great Scott! I guess I’ll have to go down to the office again to-night.” {165}

“Half-past four—and Johnny not here yet. I wonder what can keep him so long?”

“Supposing he has been skating and has broken through the ice!”

“Or maybe he has been run over by a trolley car!”

“Oh, I know something dreadful has happened to him. I just know they’ll soon be bringing him home.”

But, as usual, there was nothing whatever the matter with Johnny.

At Eight O’Clock—“Why, take a night like this, with the thermometer below zero, the suffering among the poor is simply terrible. Somebody ought to take them coal barons out and string ’em up to the nearest lamp-post.”

At Eleven O’Clock—“I tell you, gentlemen, it’s an infamous outrage. Just think of the suffering among the helpless poor. It makes me mad to think of it. I wish I was President for about fifteen minutes—you’d see some of them villains in the coal trust pay for their confounded heartlessness.”

At Twelve O’Clock—“Well, I’ve got to be going, for I’ve got a twelve-mile drive and it’s bitter cold to-night. I pity the poor people who have no coal on a night like this.{169}{168}”

“I wonder if he will remember me after all these years. Maybe his prosperity has changed him so that he will pretend to forget the old school-days.”

“Well, if he tries the haughty act with me there’ll be trouble. I won’t allow any man to insult me. It would be an outrageous way to treat an old friend.”

“And I’m too proud to stand for it a minute! I’ll mop up the floor with him! I’ll show him that I’m as good as he is, even if he is rich. Confound him, I’ll leave this beastly hole rather than be humiliated that way!”

As a matter of fact Mr. Scadsworth was delighted to see his old friend.

As a matter of fact Mr. Scadsworth was delighted to see his old friend.

Mr. Snobbly (aside)—“Great Scott, there’s that man who spoke to me at the hotel. I wonder how he broke in here. I hope he doesn’t speak to me right here before Mrs. Topnotcher.”

“Oh, Mrs. Topnotcher, what a beautiful tapestry that is over there!”

“And what a lovely chandelier you have.” (Aside.) “I hope that old man has not recognised me.”

As a matter of fact, old Mr. Bullion didn’t know Snobbly was on earth. He merely came over to speak to his old friend, Mrs. Topnotcher, with whom he spent a week at a house-party in Windsor Castle as the guest of King Edward.

Mr. Gladd—“Well, I see there’s another little scrap down in Venezuela.”

Mr. Blue—“Little scrap, nothing. It’s the beginning of a terrible war between the United States and Europe.”

Mr. Gladd—“Oh, I think they’ll adjust the trouble before long.”

“Now, you mark my words. Inside of three months we’ll have to defend the Monroe Doctrine against England and Germany.”

Mr. Gladd—“Oh, dear me, you don’t think it’s so serious as all that, do you?”

“Listen. I’ll tell you just what will happen. England and Germany will fight Venezuela for a week or two, then demand eight hundred million dollars indemnity and refuse to leave till they get it. Uncle Sam’ll say, ‘clear out,’ and then look out for something doing in war circles.”

Mr. Gladd—“Oh, I’m sure they’ll patch it up all right.”

“Just you wait. We’ll have a war that will be the most dreadful one that ever happened.{175}{174}”

“Ach, Himmel, this monotony is deadly. Nichts komme raus; or, in other words, there’s nothing doing in war circles.”

“While we’re waiting, let’s heave a few twelve-pounders over in that Venezuelan fort. Let’s wake ’em up a little.”

“By the way, gunner, see if you can shoot the mizzen-mast off of that mule over yonder.”

But at that moment the Venezuelans woke up, and the Schützenfest was all over.

Sherlock Holmes—“Ah, a stranger whom I’ve never seen before.”

“How do you do, sir. I observe that you are in the coal trust; also that you have just had a narrow escape; that you have no children; that you were in a great hurry this morning; that you have been writing, and that you shaved with your left hand this morning. Are you going away on the afternoon or the evening train?”

“Why, this is simply marvelous, Mr. Holmes. Everything you’ve said is true. How in the world did you find out all these things about a man you’ve never heard of before?”

Sympathetic Coal Dealer—“I’m terrible sorry your family is suffering, but I haven’t an ounce of coal that isn’t contracted for.”

“Oh, it breaks my heart to hear that your children are suffering and if I had any coal to spare I’d let you have it.”

“Oh, your sad story overwhelms me with grief and I wish to express my deep sympathy.”

“I’ll send the coal right down. If you need any more just let me know.{181}{180}”

The Coal Operator—“Honestly, I hate to see all this suffering upon all sides—”

“But, Great Scott, just see how much money I’m making! I’ll soon have enough to endow a college.{183}{182}”

The Chairman of the Committee to the Coal Conspirator—“Now, answer me explicitly. What per cent of hydrogen does the average ton of coal contain?”

“Now, do not attempt to equivocate or evade this important question. If a ton of coal weighs a thousand pounds, how much does a ton of anthracite coal weigh compared to the weight of a ton of bituminous coal?”

“Do you or do you not know whether a ton of anthracite coal dating from the paleozoic age burns more readily than a ton of bituminous dating from the pre-glacial epoch? This has an important bearing upon our investigation.”

The Committee submits its report.

Suggested by Senator Hoar

The Michigan “Gretna Green”

A Literary Event in Chicago

The Tea and Punch Route on Connecticut Avenue during the Busy Hours

“Let us give them a Filipino welcome that will make them feel at home.{203}{202}”

As Stagg describes the Condition of the Team before the Game—

As the Team really will be during the Game

“Oh, I should so dearly love to have a nice Boston terrier!”

December twenty-fifth