Transcriber’s Note:
Mid-poem illustrations were moved to follow the related poem. Obvious printing errors, such as missing or partially printed letters and punctuation, were corrected.
PORRIDGE POETRY
PORRIDGE
POETRY
COOKED, ORNAMENTED
AND SERVED
UP BY
HUGH LOFTING
PUBLISHED BY
F. A. STOKES Cᵒ
NEW YORK
Copyright, 1924, by
Frederick A. Stokes Company
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
PORRIDGE POETRY
THE PORRIDGE POET
Dear Children, I would have you know it:
That this is me, the Porridge Poet,
My inspiration’s in the ice-box;
My rhymes I pick out from the spice-box.
My verse is very free and easy,
Its flavour sometimes slightly cheesy;
But that, my friends, is no great crime in
The gentle art of kitchen rhymin’.
I’ve made delicious maccaronics
From peelings off spring philharmonics.
And as for comic songs or ballads,
I turn them out like summer salads.
’Tis to the cook-book that I owe it,
My reputation as a poet.
And if you’ll watch my pot a minute
I’ll show you how I mix things in it.
Now take a pint of vermicelli
And pound it to a nice smooth jelly;
If necessary use a hammer.
Then add a pinch or two of grammar.
Shake in an ounce of sifted syntax
And half a teaspoonful of tin tacks,
Then flavour with eggstravaganza,
And there you have a lovely stanza!
THE PORRIDGE POET
[Pg 12]
VERA VIRGINIA
Oh, what a popular person I am!
My full name is Vera Virginia Ham.
The barn-dance, the two-step, the sausage-roll trot,
The pig-jig, the hog-jog, I dance the whole lot.
VERA VIRGINIA
[Pg 14]
THE LOLLIPOPINJAY
On lollipops I live. I’m gay;
I leap and swirl, I spin and sway.
Come join me in the dance, I pray!
Let’s go!—Slap-bang!—Hip, hip, hooray!
For I’m the lollipopinjay.
I loll by night, I dance all day.
I jump, I crouch and pop away
Skip! Hop!—Tip-top!—Hip, hip, hooray!
THE LOLLIPOPINJAY
[Pg 16]
LATITUDES AND LONGITUDES
’Twas in the tropic latitudes
That we were talking platitudes,
Just sailor-like chit-chatitudes,
As any ship-mates might.
We forgot to take our longitude
(Which was a grievous wrongitude)
So we didn’t reach Hong-kongitude
Till very late that night.
LATITUDES AND LONGITUDES
[Pg 18]
THE FLEDGELING AND THE BUG
“Are you the kind of insect, Sir,
“My mother calls digestible?”
Enquired the little fledgeling of
The Sweet Potato Bug.
“I’m nothing of the kind, my friend.
“My taste is just detestable—
“And so is yours—Such impudence!”
He answered with a shrug.
THE FLEDGELING AND THE BUG
[Pg 20]
PICNIC
Ella, fell a
Maple tree.
Hilda, build a
Fire for me.
Teresa, squeeze a
Lemon, so.
Amanda, hand a
Plate to Flo.
Nora, pour a
Cup of tea.
Fancy, Nancy,
What a spree!
PICNIC
[Pg 24]
SCALLYWAG AND GOLLYWOG
Scally Wag and Golly Wog
Took their bag aboard a log
And started off to cross the ocean blue.
They’re still at sea, I have no doubt,
For all they do is fight about
Which shall be the Captain, which the crew.
SCALLYWAG AND GOLLYWOG
[Pg 26]
THE PALM FAMILY
Nearby an African lagoon
Beneath the silent yellow moon
All safe from worries and alarms
There dwelt a family of palms.
It was a peaceful life they led
Mr. and Mrs. and little Fred;
And when the wind blew soft and low
They’d whisper tales of long ago.
THE PALM FAMILY
[Pg 28]
THE FOOD-HYMN OF THE
COOK-GOBLINS
Down where the glow-worms faintly glitter,
Down where the fire-flies gleam and flitter,
Come listen to the sausage twitter,
Sizz and crackle in the pan!
Tripe or truffles, fancy fishes,
It doesn’t matter what your wish is;
None prepare such luscious dishes
As we, the gay Cook-goblins, can.
THE COOK-GOBLINS
[Pg 30]
SCRUBBY CHUBBY
Such a scowling and a growling, howling yowling for a toy,
You grubby, snubby, tubby, chubby, scrubby little boy!
SCRUBBY CHUBBY
[Pg 32]
OOM-PAH
Oom-pah, boom-pah, oom-pah boom!
Like roses soon our cheeks will bloom.
We only ask for elbow-room
Oom-pah, boom-pah, oom-pah boom!
OOM-PAH
[Pg 34]
MISTER BEERS
This is Mister Beers:
And for forty-seven years
He’s been digging in his garden like a miner.
He isn’t planting seeds
Nor scratching up the weeds,
He’s trying to bore a tunnel down to China.
MISTER BEERS
[Pg 36]
THE PIRATE OF THE KITCHEN SINK
And who might this be, should you think?
Why, the pirate of the kitchen sink!
A dish-rag sail, a spoon for oar,
Could any captain wish for more?
Aboard his racing coffee-pot
He roams an ocean steaming hot.
No cup or saucer stays afloat
That dares to bump into his boat.
THE PIRATE OF THE KITCHEN SINK
[Pg 38]
THE MILLINERY BIRD
A friendly Arctic Puffin asked
The Millinery Bird,
“Aren’t the styles they’re wearing now
“A little bit absurd?”
“Oh well,” sarcastically said
The other with a snigger,
“That will depend, my squatty friend,
“Entirely on your figure.”
THE MILLINERY BIRD
[Pg 40]
MR. PARRY AND MRS. PRINGLE
Said Mrs. Pringle to Mr. Parry,
“Tell me why you never marry?”
Said Mr. Parry to Mrs. Pringle,
“Life is so much simpler single.”
MR. PARRY AND MRS. PRINGLE
[Pg 43]
WEI HAI WO
A sage there was long, long ago,
A mandarin named Wei Hai Wo,
And at his window all day long
He sat and softly hummed this song
“How silly, Lily, lackaday!
“Deary daisy me!”
Said young Sin Ching to Wei Hai Wo,
“Please tell me why you sit there so?
I never chance this way to come
But that I always hear you hum,
“How silly, Lily, lackaday!
“Deary daisy me!”
“Well listen, friend,” said Wei Hai Wo,
“I love to watch the passing show,
“I take things easy, good and bad.
“Why should I rush through life like mad?
“How silly, Lily, lackaday!
“Deary, daisy me!”
“If others wish to run about
“Then let them. But let me look out.
“I’ve found that peace, my good Sin Ching,
“Is quite the most important thing.
“You see now why I sit and sing,
“How silly, Lily, lackaday!
“Deary, daisy me!”
WEI HAI WO
[Pg 48]
THE VEGETABLE SCHOOL
Teaching school is not so easy,
Be it big, or be it small,
With a Spring term class made up of
Vegetable scholars all.
Make the turnips turn their toes out.
See the pumpkins punctuate.
Have the parsnips parse correctly.
Let us, Lettuce, start at eight.
Lima Bean’s been most provoking.
Send him to the garden bed.
Artful artichoke, I see you
Beating beet upon the head.
Spinach, spin your tops outside, please.
Take two sevenths from a whole.
Carrot, carry one and add, dear.
Cauliflower, call the roll.
THE VEGETABLE SCHOOL
[Pg 52]
THE WAFFLE-KITE
This is the Waffle-Kite
And oh, what an awful sight
He looks when he digs in the marsh with his beak.
Mud pies it’s fun to make
To set in the sun to bake
When you’ve got the right kind of face, so to speak.
THE WAFFLE-KITE
[Pg 54]
CHRISTMAS DOUGH
For Christmas Day the Christmas dough
Is kneaded high and kneaded low.
Punch it thick and thump it thin,
Flatten it out with a rolling-pin.
In the kitchen’s lots of fun
When Christmas pie and Christmas bun
Are kneaded high and kneaded low
From lovely, squodgy, Christmas dough.
CHRISTMAS DOUGH
[Pg 56]
LOOSE IN THE MIDDLE
Hey diddle, diddle,
I’m loose in the middle.
Why can’t I get on with myself?
It’s not my digestion—
That’s out of the question,
’Cause I left it at home on the shelf.
LOOSE IN THE MIDDLE
[Pg 58]
THE BOTTICELLO
In Florence Signor Quaverello
Would play the four-string botticello
Every single Sunday night, ’tis said.
Until his wife upstairs would bellow
“You noisy, good-for-nothing fellow!
“Hello!
“Quaverello!
“Put that thing away and come to bed!”
THE BOTTICELLO
[Pg 60]
THE TOFFEE ANALYST
“Oh, I’m the Toffee Analyst
So learned and sophisticky;
I’m making out a candy list,
It’s going to be statisticky.”
THE TOFFEE ANALYST
[Pg 62]
UP WRIGHT AND DOWN WRIGHT
Long ago the Brothers Wright
Were men of odd but great renown,
As different as day and night,
The neighbors called them Up and Down.
Now Up Wright was devout and lean,
Proper, virtuous and prim.
Whenever he felt low or mean
He merely sighed or sang a hymn.
A queerer pair was never made;
For Down Wright, short and thick,
Who always called a spade a spade,
Loved to argue, fight and kick.
Yet through the ups and downs of life
Through thick and thin, through good and ill,
In spite of all their constant strife
The brothers lived together still.
UP WRIGHT AND DOWN WRIGHT
[Pg 66]
THE LEGEND OF THE SEA-SICK SEA-GULL
Once there was a herring gull
Who found the ocean very dull
Said he, “I’m always sea-sick on the silly rolling sea.
“I’ll go ashore and settle down
In some peaceful country town
And wear my carpet-slippers when I drink my china tea.”
THE SEA-SICK SEA-GULL
[Pg 68]
JIM NAST OF PAWTUCKET
Here’s little Jim Nast of Pawtucket
Who slid down the stairs in a bucket.
He has more understanding
Since reaching the landing.
Just look at the hole where he struck it!
JIM NAST OF PAWTUCKET
[Pg 70]
CLIPPETY CLOP!
Clippety, snippety, clippety, clop!
A pretty pernickety barber’s shop!
Walk up! Walk in and have a shave,
A dry shampoo—a marcel wave,
Your whiskers trimmed in any style.
Come in, sit down and stay a while.
Soon the barber chimpanzees
Will bow and smile and say, “Next please!
“We’re always busy—never stop.
“Clippety, snippety, clippety, clop!”
CLIPPETY CLOP!
[Pg 72]
PETROLEUM AND TURPENTINE
“Oh won’t you be my Valentine
“This wintertime, sweet Turpentine?”
“How can I be, Petroleum?
“I’m promised to Linoleum.”
PETROLEUM AND TURPENTINE
[Pg 74]
THE MILK AND HONEY HONEYMOON
The Milky Way was made for you,
The Honey-Moon for me.
If we could only mix the two
How happy we should be!
With a milk-and-honey honeymoon,
You see, my charming wife,
We’d only need a table-spoon
And we’d be fixed for life.
THE MILK AND HONEY HONEYMOON
[Pg 76]
GIBBERISH
Sing a song of gibberish,
For this is rhyming day;
Hasty pudding, stirabout,
A goulash roundelay.
Sing a junket rigmarole,
A shindig jamboree,
Catalogues or doggerels,
They’re all the same to me.
GIBBERISH
[Pg 78]
MRS. VAN DER HOOK
There was a little lady and
her name was Mrs. Van der Hook.
She lived upon the main street of
the town of Amsterdam.
And when the neighbors told her it
was very rude to stand and look,
All she ever answered was,
“Well that’s the way I am.”
MRS. VAN DER HOOK
[Pg 80]
THE RAT AND GUITAR
You’ve heard of the Cat and the Fiddle,
Well, I am the Rat and Guitar.
I play by the moon
Such a beautiful toon
The Cat goes on sleeping—Ha! Ha!
THE RAT AND THE GUITAR
[Pg 82]
BETWIXT AND BETWEEN
Betwixt and Between were two betwins,
Their father’s name was Twoddle.
They’ve been alike as a pair of pins
Since they could scarcely toddle.
BETWIXT AND BETWEEN
[Pg 84]
THE KITCHEN KALENDAR
Pastry and Bun day
Ought to be Monday.
Then Irish Stews-day
Falls on a Tuesday.
Dine-out-with-friends day,
Let’s make that Wednesday.
Next, Apple-pie day
Should always be Friday.
Sausage-in-batter day,
Put that down Saturday.
But what about Sunday?
Oh, take a rest one day.
[Pg 88]
THE HOUSEHOLD DRUDGE
The Household Drudge
Was making fudge
In a great big china basin.
Alas! Alack!
She turned her back
And the poodle dipped his face in!
THE HOUSEHOLD DRUDGE
[Pg 90]
GOOD MORNING CORNUCOPIA
Good morning Cornucopia!
Your face looks even soapier
Than when I met you walking yesterday.
I know it, dear Symposium,
My complexion got so rosium
I covered it with lather and I left it there to stay.
GOOD MORNING CORNUCOPIA
[Pg 92]
GIMCRACK AND GEWGAW
Gimcrack and Gewgaw
Were riding a see-saw
And Gewgaw was up in the air.
There popped up a rabbit,
And Gim ran to grab it.
Said Gew, “Oh, that’s not playing fair!”
GIMCRACK AND GEWGAW
[Pg 94]
LULU GUBRIOUS
Said Auntie Macassar to Miss Lulu Gubrious
“Isn’t the weather just simply salubrious?”
“Why, no,” answered Lulu, “I think it’s monotonous.
“Just think if the rain should have gone and forgotten us!”
LULU GUBRIOUS